Read @ Joe’s

Title: Under Paris (2024) Director: Xavier Gens Writer: Yannick Dahan // Maud Heywang // Xavier Gens Studio: Netflix IMDb Plot: To save Paris from a bloodbath, a grieving scientist is forced to face her tragic past when a giant shark appears in the Seine. Joe Says: Under Paris is drastically, insufferably, and altogether terribly bad.

Sarcastically enjoying what is largely considered a “bad” movie has been a cinematic mainstay since the medium’s golden age. The gleeful delight that comes with poor dialogue, bargain-basement sets, and wooden acting can be as uplifting as the enjoyment of a critical masterpiece. Yet there are, of course, simply bad movies. Movies that should fall under that guilty pleasure umbrella of forgiveness but are so inept, so brutally, mind-numbingly void of art, that not an ounce of pleasure could be squeezed from its DOA carcass. And it is this description that befalls Netflix’s Parisian shark romp, Under Paris; a movie that is drastically, insufferably, and altogether terribly bad.

The SYFY Network has made ridiculous killer shark movies a staple since the turn of the 21st – as elaborated on in the fin-tastic Sharksplotation documentary. Under Paris (aka Sous la Seine) had all the makings of such a raucous spectacle: Sharks in the Seine! During a triathlon! Swimmers in peril! The Navy and its big guns! Oh là là.

Merde is more like it.

The premise of Under Paris humorously finds a mako shark in the Seine – just in time for an upcoming triathlon. On top of the fishy threat, a group of teens who want to save the shark end up clashing with the river patrol. Caught between it all is Academy Award-nominated actress Bérénice Bejo, who is proof that bad movies can happen to good people. She plays marine biologist Sophia Assalas, whose previous encounter with this mako ended with the death of her entire team including, equally unsurprisingly and unconvincingly, her husband.

Under Paris wants to be campy cool. Director Xavier Gens (Lupin) does provide plenty of gorgeous views of the most beautiful city in the world but the narrative beats are all wrong and the transitions between drama, thriller, and horror are amateurishly choppy. He tries to add a political discussion to the mix by showing both the environmentalists and the military in a positive light. The “save the shark” kids are led by paper tiger facsimile of Greta Thunberg while the River Patrol truly wants to keep everyone safe. Predictably, both sides blow everything up in explosively stupid ways.

Yes, a blatantly mind-numbing shark movie is supposedly to be corny and fun with and contain the requisite dopamine hits, but the inconsistent schlock drowns the entire narrative into a mess that not even the most severe of beer goggles could doll up. Swimmers scream. Sharks chomp. Other than a Planet of the Apes callback-type ending, Under Paris blandly rinses and repeats with the same jump scares that were once fresh back in 1975. 

There are no answers, either. What is truly amazing is that for a streaming release that credits seven writers, not a single one could cleverly come up with a reason as to how a mako shark could survive in the freshwater Seine – other than for the base appeal of seeing a hungry shark devour skinny swimmers within the bloodless safety of a CG world.

Under Paris is a movie that is missing any real meat on its already-devoured bones.